WRITTEN BY STERLING MIRE
Giving something up can be the way to having everything.
Let’s face it – life hurts. There is no human being on the planet that hasn’t experienced emotional pain and/or trauma.
It’s an awful experience. Yes, agreed.
So, there is pain and what you do with pain is what is most important. Wouldn’t you rather be living your life fully again? Enjoying all that is wonderful and awe-inspiring or be stopped by the past incident that cannot be undone and continue suffering over it? No one truly wants to suffer so let’s explore the alternative.
Putting the blame on others is a seemingly easy enough way to handle the situation. We feel like someone let us down or did us wrong and we are owed an apology. We think they need to “own up” to what they did.
"Blaming others and not taking responsibility for ourselves is the fastest way to being powerless in our lives and leaves us stuck with anger, resentment and no resolving of the pain we feel."
Yes, you have valid feelings. It’s important to acknowledge them and express them fully but put a limit on how long you feel them. You can even say to yourself, “For the next 15-30 minutes I am going to cry my eyes out, write in my diary or say out loud how I feel and feel it 100% and then I am going to move forward with my day/night”. Getting into the habit of indulging in your grief is a vicious cycle. Remember, you are the one hurting more than the other person if you continue to “live” your pain over and over. It’s a balance. A balance of embracing what’s there for you to express and putting it away for the rest of the day or preferably resolving it and moving on.
5 Ways to Move Through Pain
The pathway to happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction in your life is to make room for it. If you are full of sadness, anger, bitterness how can the opposite show up for you?
1. Make a choice to let go
Things do not resolve themselves without you choosing it. If you avoid making a conscious effort to move on you could be setting yourself up to continue to keep the pain alive and drag it around in your life and even effecting your outer world in a negative way.
Choosing to let it go also means you are accepting that you have the choice to do so. You can decide to stop playing the story over and over in your mind every time you think of that person.
2. As mentioned before, an important step to moving on is expressing your pain. Find ways that are satisfying and healthy. Experiment with the tips mentioned above. Find a great listener, someone who you look up to.
Even though you may not have had the same amount of responsibility for the pain you’ve experienced, look to see what you are responsible for. What can you learn from this experience and do differently in the future? Choosing to be less free and trusting is not necessarily a great choice versus being more aware of what is actually being communicated before all hurt broke loose. Learn to really understand and get to know people before “jumping in”. The most successful relationships were built as friendships where mutual respect and admiration can grow. Consider taking communication classes. Ultimately, will you choose to become wiser from the experience or a victim?
3. Don’t choose to be a victim, choose to be a winning warrior
Being a victim can feel pretty good. We don’t have to take responsibility or take a good look at ourselves. But being a victim is like donning a costume of a decrepit zombie and that is just not who we authentically are. Your feelings are worthy but when we allow ourselves to wallow in them it becomes at the expense of everyone else in the world and we all matter – equally.
The good news is that we have a choice in every given moment. We can continue to feel bad about someone else’s actions (or lack of actions) or decide to feel GOOD! Taking responsibility for your own happiness is power and giving your power over to someone else to determine how you feel is absurd. No amount of obsessively thinking about a painful situation has ever fixed a relationship issue. So why choose it?
4. Be Here Now – In the Present Moment
Do you really know what it feels like to be powerfully present in the now? How liberating, freeing and just good it feels? Here’s an exercise that will help you get related to reality – now.
Either out loud or in your head notice 5 things you hear (if there are not five you can repeat something). Now, 5 things you see and 5 things you physically feel. Repeat the same exercise working your way down to 1. 5-4-3-2-1. When you’ve completed the exercise notice how you feel, your surroundings and your thoughts. Suddenly reality has taken over your imaginings.
5. Forgive Them as Well as Yourself
Perhaps we won’t forget someone’s poor behavior, but everyone is deserving of our forgiveness, including ourselves. Sometimes getting trapped in pain makes it occur like forgiveness isn’t an option, yet it is. Forgiveness is empathy and empathy connects us to the beauty, love and laughter in life. Accepting “what is” doesn’t mean you are agreeing with what happened. That it is ok to happen again and again and again but that it is ok that it happened once. Forgiveness is a true sign of strength because that is actually where strength comes from.
Forgiving yourself is just as important. Identify what you said to yourself about yourself after the breakdown occurred. That is what you want to forgive yourself for. For inventing and taking on a lie as if it is truth. Anything disempowering is inauthentic to who we truly are. Create something new, the truth, to live by.
Although letting go takes an effort. It requires us to be courageous, to be committed to our happiness and health. Everyday you hold on to pain is another day lost to it. Go ahead. You can do it. Choose to implement these exercises in your life and set yourself, and everyone else, free!
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Written by Sterling Mire
Sometimes it’s the darkness that leads us to our brightest light.
We often just want to go to where we envision our lives to be. We dream, have goals, we create plans and we want to experience it now. We desire happiness, health and success! When life leads us to places we don’t want to go we often interpret it to mean something’s wrong or we’ve made a mistake somehow. The truth is life is doing us a favor by presenting us a breakdown to overcome so we are better equipped for life’s breakthroughs. Difficulties are a sign that we need to wake up and work on something that needs our attention.
Often we need to “hit rock bottom” in order to soar. When we surrender to the process of working out a breakdown we are taking the first step into transformation. It allows us to realize there is something within the domain of what we don’t know we don’t know that creates the humbleness that moves us to discovering something new and necessary for our evolution and growth. Incomplete past experiences that have restricted our world and enslaved us in negativity is what there is to pay attention to. What mental conversations are going on in our mental chatter? These are the clues to what needs to be transformed, what we need to re-construct. Everything can be interpreted either positively or negatively. What are we going to choose? To find the good in what was disappointing and find the lessons we are to learn sets us free.
As with Dorothy in the “Wizard of Oz” we are all on a gold-bricked road that can suddenly turn dark. It’s when we remember that there is no City of Oz that will provide the answers. It is within ourselves that we recognize we are whole and complete, here and now and all answers to whatever we are looking for is all within us. It is here we find the courage, inspiration and perfection that exists everywhere.
Having a mentor or coach is wonderful way to provide guidance and assist us with what we are working on and help identify what we sometimes can not see for ourselves.
Bust up stress, anxiety and panicky feelings in the middle of your day, in the middle of the city, in the middle of doing something. Be here now and let go anywhere. We all know, it’s not always an easy feat to find a quiet, undisturbed spot to meditate especially when you find yourself in the eye of a stressful storm that comes on unexpectedly. That is why I’ve created these top 3 top ways to meditate while you are on the go!
1. Driving mediation: This is a great way to clear the past and the future, release tension and just be here now while stuck in traffic. Take a look at what is around you. Chose something to notice. Maybe it’s a billboard, a building or perhaps a person walking down the street. Just observe it/them without mentally creating opinions, stories, criticisms, etc. Just notice them. Once you feel you have noticed all there is to notice move on to another subject. Continue to do this while you are not having to pay attention to driving. Notice the space that opens up in you. Notice how you are simply being. Notice how life is suddenly manageable and possibly perfect!
2. Sitting Meditation: This meditation is a great way to ground yourself. You can do it while waiting. Waiting for your car to be repaired, waiting in an office reception area, or simply when you need to clear the mental chatter that has gotten so loud you can’t think straight. It’s also a wonderful way to banish anxiety. It’s called, 5,4,3,2,1. Take a full, deep breath from your belly up. After exhaling fully, count 5 things you see, hear and physically feel. Continue the exercise with 4 things you see, hear and physically feel all the way down to 1. It’s ok if you happen to be in quiet place and you only hear 2-3 things, just repeat whatever sound you hear. You will be left feeling profoundly related to reality - the now. Clarity follows and so does peace.
3. Walking Meditation: This one is a little like the driving meditation only you incorporate breathing deeply from the abdomen up while you observe the things you pass. Be with your surroundings. Notice the sky, the birds and whatever else is around you and connect with the beauty of it. If you get really good at this, you will hear nature saying, “Everything is ok” putting you at ease, synchronicity and flow.
1. Builds concentration – we all need this in the ADD world we live in.
2. Learn to automatically release tension – use these exercises frequently and you can learn to immediately drop tension as easily and quickly as flipping a switch.
3. Get out of your “imagination on fire” and get powerfully related to reality.
4. Allows you to be fully present – did you know that charisma is a product of being fully present? Who doesn’t want the charisma of a movie star or hero/heroine?
5. Creates strong connections with others and extraordinary experiences will follow. Get ready to be enchanted!
6. Provides perspective – this is one thing we often want when dealing with the challenging aspects or dilemmas of our lives – some distance. I say, bring it on!
7. Improves intuition – have you ever wanted the “right” answer to show up? Well, it can and will if there is an empty, unblocked channel for it to show up in what is called your higher self. Also, provides clarity, which promotes peace and offers pathways we couldn’t access otherwise.
There you have it. No more excuses! Learn to meditate anywhere and anytime despite where you are, what is going on around you or how busy you are. It’s easy, very doable and the rewards are instant and plentiful.
Knowing the difference makes ALL the difference.
“Some of our greatest successes come from unconditional acceptance of all aspects of life.” ~Sterling Mire
My clients often ask me, “How can I possibly accept something if I don’t like or agree with it?” My answer is simple: Avoid resistance. I’ll explain. The reason why avoiding resistance is the solution to the problem is because what we resist will persist. If we resist what is so in this particular moment we will be giving energy to that which we would like to change. We feed the beast. Stop feeding the beast and that beast will disappear.
I am a fan of Eckhart Tolle. In his bestselling book, “The Power of Now”, he describes acceptance as this. Imagine you fell into quicksand. Your first instinct is to resist it by flailing your arms wildly to get out. The only thing you achieve by resisting is frustration, panic and exhaustion so you end up sinking. If you just accept what is so, “Ok, I just fell into quicksand. I accept that. It is what is so.”, this frees you up to begin to create a way out – and you do! Acceptance is not agreement. I must stress this. Accepting is acknowledging and allowing something to just be. Once we have done just that, then we can began to move into a solution driven direction with ease. Answers to our questions are free to come to us – physically and mentally. We are an open channel for guidance.
Life is fluid. It can occur as if what is happening to us in the moment is permanent. We are stuck and we begin to get resigned in life. If we remind ourselves that it just appears that way BUT is actually is not the truth, it is a step in the right direction for finding the change we seek.
Life is also unpredictable. If we can accept that as part of the beauty in life then we can create the ability to embrace what ever comes along, even if it is painful.
Life will bring many challenges, such as the loss of someone we love, and it is truly challenging to embrace “what is so” when we are suffering. Yet, if we start cultivating acceptance in our lives right now, we will cope with future crises in an empowered way finding the positivity in the situation. It really is a powerfully effective way to live. Begin today to just BE with what is so. Notice how life is different and notice how you respond to undesirable things as they show up and how insignificant and manageable they become. You will be amazed!
Written by: Sterling Mire
The way to prevent “feeling” is to numb out yet it’s only a temporary band-aid that never resolves our problems yet only makes them worse.
We are blessed to have our various, contrasting emotions. Without them we would not have an indication of how our lives are going. Our emotions let us know if our lives are working or not. Yet, although we embrace the good feeling emotions we deny embracing and allowing our not so good feeling emotions to exist.
We like to find ways to numb ourselves when we aren’t feeling so good yet uncomfortable emotions are an opportunity to pay attention to what we are feeling to trace where it is stemming from. Once we see where the emotion originated from we then have a golden opportunity to listen to that little voice in our head telling us something that helped create the experience of the very emotion we are trying to avoid feeling. Allowing that emotion to be and expressing it in a safe and constructive way helps clear away the debris that locks us in and blocks us from transforming it into something good.
Checking out with food, alcohol, sugar, shopping, the internet, cell phones, TV and other non-productive distractions are avenues we choose when we don’t want to deal with something. I often tell my clients as well as myself: “The only way to it is through it”. The only way we can get through what we are feeling and reconnect to the good stuff we seek in life is to confront what is causing our emotional dis-ease before it turns into physical disease.
When we confront our problems we are taking back our power instead of giving it away to numbing activities. We are also handsomely rewarded when we do this because we not only find a solution through it but we re-discover who we truly are: courageous and strong. This leads us to peace and completion, healing and freeing us for the future.
There are various ways to delve into what is upsetting us so we can work through it. Meditation, communing with nature, talking to friends and family, journaling, consulting a professional advisor are some of the ways we can allow others to help us find our light. When we make it through what we are here to pay attention to and learn, we can move past the issue once and for all, putting it and keeping it in the past - where it belongs. Through the practice of confronting our issues we grow wiser, stronger and more confident in confronting the next set of life’s challenges. Yes, it’s very possible to grow to the point where we even welcome the challenges in life because we know we are that powerful to transform our situations and our emotions fearlessly!
Written by Sterling Mire
It appears that people can make us feel a range of emotions; happy, sad, angry, frustrated, euphoric, disappointed, depressed and the list goes on. The truth is this is an illusion. We live in a society that has convinced us that happiness lies outside of us, within our environment and through the things we accumulate. Here is a perfect example of how we have learned this way of understanding life’s happiness. A mother sees her young child crying. The mother enthusiastically offers the child a cookie. The child then seeing his/her mother smiling (happy) makes the association with the cookie as an object that possesses happiness. We could take it a bit further and look at how the cookie has an effect on the child’s brain reinforcing the idea of where happiness lies. Let’s look at the effect of the sugar in the cookie. Sugar is known to light up the reward pathways and cause a surge of feel-good hormones, like dopamine, to be released. As a result, we feel good and “happy”. The child easily confuses the cookie, or any other thing the child learns to associate with happiness, as where happiness lies.
People’s Energy DOES Have an Effect On Us
True. We are all energy. We transmit energy. We receive energy. Yet, energy changes all the time so if someone’s happy and we feel the effects of it we begin to associate thatthat is where happiness lies. We begin to confuse, once again, where happiness lives. “That person makes me happy!” or “That person makes me upset”. It may not be that we consciously want to blame or hold someone accountable for our state of being. It could be that we simply are confused as to where happiness truly is.
Taking responsibility for how we feel is one of the most valuable lessons we can learn in life. Choosing how we feel is a conscious action. We must be fully aware to make this choice. Noticing how we feel is the first step. To choose how we want to feel in a way that is authentic and actually works is to first allow what is so to be. To simply allow it to exist. Allowing is not agreeing. Allowing is allowing. Once we allow what is, then we can make a conscious choice to choose how we want to feel. Once you choose an empowering emotion, take a moment to connect to what that feels like. Experience it fully. Maybe think of a happy memory and relive it. Embrace the feeling and let it wash over you and sink in. Then proceed with your life. It is quite simple but where people go wrong in choosing their emotions is leaving out the acceptance, allowing something to be as it is. What is surprising is that whatever undesirable emotion was being experienced will simply take care of itself and disappear.
Happiness is our birthright. Happiness is a skill. Like all skills, it must be practiced. When you have true happiness within, you are totally fulfilled and the things you engage in are not perceived as a pathway to lead you to happiness but an adventure you can embrace fearlessly with joy and out of the sheer excitement of being alive!
To discover more about happiness, I recommend a current documentary on NetFlix simply titled: “Happiness”. Filmmaker Roko Belic travels to more than a dozen countries, searching for the meaning of happiness.
Sterling is a celebrated professional life coach and a nationally published author. She works with clients all over the world. Her practice is located in Beverly Hills. For more information, please www.getyourlifenow.com
I am so honored and thrilled to be featured in Janet Gunn's incredibly popular blog - The Grateful Gardenia. Janet Gunn has led an exciting and dynamic life as a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, traveled the world as a flight attendant and has starred in her own national television series, Silk Stalkings, among other notable feature films and TV shows! She’s onboard my “Art of Manifestation” transformational journey and you are invited to join her! www.gratefulgardenia.com
August 13, 2016
the state of being happy.
"she struggled to find happiness in her life"
euphoria, transports of delight;
"trying to rediscover the happiness we once knew"
1. Take time out on a daily basis and simply get present to what you are grateful for. Gratitude brings more things to be grateful about. Even being grateful for it all brings the desirable things that you want! For example: If you feel you are in a dead end job that you want to change, be grateful for the job you have. Expressing gratitude has a magical way of bringing more reasons to be grateful in your future.
2. Smile. Smile at the people you interact with. Smile when you talk on the phone (people do pick up on it). Smile when you exercise. Smile when you are driving in traffic. Smile when you are alone at home. The simple act of smiling can transform any ordinary day into an extraordinary day!
3. Acknowledge people. Acknowledge the cashier. Acknowledge your loved ones. Acknowledge yourself. Acknowledgement brings people closer, creates a space for new possibilities and highlights what is working facilitating more stuff that we want that works!
4. Take time out to commune with nature. Nature has healing energy, energy we call negative ions. This energy tends to diminish the inauthenticity’s that we pick up from living in the modern world leaving us feeling refreshed, peaceful and with a perspective that is rooted in liberating truth.
5. Don’t forget about you! In this day and age we are multi-tasking, trying to find ways of getting more done faster and better. We are taking care of others but are we taking care of ourselves? Set aside time each week that is just for you. Do something at least three times a week that is just for you and keep it sacred. That means no interruptions. It’s time to stop the world and focus on you and your needs and wants. It doesn’t have to take much time just as long as it’s something that you relish and cherish.
6. Eat well and I don’t mean like a sumo wrestler! Eat healthy foods that not only make you feel good, alive and vital but make you proud of your choice. Healthy foods don’t have to take time or cost a lot of money. Take a few minutes out to look up healthy and easy recipes online. Even try a few days of eating vegan http://www.chooseveg.com/vegan-on-a-budget-17-easy-affordable-recipes-2 All it takes is looking at the alternatives out there and changing your point of view. It’s easier than you think!
7. Give up negative self-talk. When we criticize ourselves we lose power. The very power that leads us to better solutions and better choices for our future. No need to be in denial about something that is not working, but recognize it for just that – something that isn’t working and look for alternatives. Drop judgments about yourself and others and you will see new openings for action and possibilities that didn’t exist before. Funny how that works!
8. Romance the day! Yes, fall in love with the day. Notice the sun, the clouds, the birds singing, notice the flowers that you pass by or the cute little perky doggies that pass by wagging their tails with excitement for the day. Let it touch you, move you, inspire you! Find the beauty anywhere and everywhere and your creative side will thrive!
9. Let the news snooze. Getting your daily dose of the news distorts your view of the outer world and creates anxiety, depression in your inner world. The media gets paid to shock and rock your senses putting stress in your life about things you can not do anything about. If you want to know what’s going on in the world subscribe to the online sitehttp://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/ about the good news in the world. That’s the kind of news that can make a happy difference in your life!
10. Spend more time with family and friends face to face. Turn the electronic world off and really be with people. Engage in conversations and really listen to what others have to say. Share your feelings and thoughts and open yourself up. Express your appreciation, respect and love. You may just find yourself in one of the happiest places on earth!